Slow Motion....

Well I am in my new unit now. Although I do not have everything put away in its place and I doubt that I will for at least a month. I just cannot get myself motivated and just do not have the stamina. There is still apart of me that feels like I am in this on my own.

For weeks now , no more like for several months now, I have been moving in slow motion in a sense and then again it feels like the rest of the world has been moving ahead in fast forward and leaving me behind..... I feel like I cannot catch up to anything in my life right now and have not felt like this for many years.

I still feel very reactive to my buttons being pushed, it is almost as though I have a sign across my forehead that says I am your dumb b*tch, push my buttons all you want, you know that you love to get a reaction out of me. You know it makes you feel more up there when you see that I am all upset and that you have succeeded at getting me to bow to your command, after all is that not what you want, is a woman that bows to her master as you put it. You have known since the first time that you met me, because of my mental illness I have a side of me that is very vulnerable and that it would not take much to break me. After all I got pushed quite a bit the week prior to moving and I nearly broke and felt liek I was going over the edge.

Another thing, my birthday is just 2 days away and I am going to be '46' years old. Where have the years gone to. God am I ever aging so fast.... I feel like I have missed so many years of my life. I don't really remember many of them. If I were to account for most of the years of my life it would take allot of thinking.... that will take another blogging..

As for anything special for my birthday, well I have no idea if my husband has anything special planned for my birthday. It would be nice if my mom would come over, but I know she feels a tad uncomfortable for reasons. So I really do not know how it will be celebrated, time will only tell...... but I do hope I will have some kind of a birthday...

Bipolar Journal ~


Bipolar
Manic Depressive
Mood Disorder
Psychotic
Mental Illness
Mania
Hypomania
Suicide
Psychiatrist
Therapist
Therapy
Medication
Group Therapy
Hospital